


Love and Hatred

by Mickey_99



Series: Haikyuu Soulmates AU [17]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Past Rape/Non-con, Violence is only thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:20:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24870709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickey_99/pseuds/Mickey_99
Summary: Bokuto's experience an emotions through Akaashi's story and the end of the series.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Goshiki Tsutomu/Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou, Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Haikyuu Soulmates AU [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736596
Comments: 22
Kudos: 186





	Love and Hatred

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like we see a lot of what the siblings think, and I wanted to show the pain of wanting to help but feeling unable to.

Bokuto has never been an angry or vengeful person. Bokuto was the type of person who gave every part of himself when he was in love. Even when he had thought Akaashi was cheating on him, Bokuto hadn’t felt hatred or ill-will. Bokuto’s heart felt broken, but he didn’t stop loving Akaashi even for a second. Bokuto didn’t even think he had the capability to hate someone, that is until he held Akaashi on the rooftop on the day Bokuto was supposed to graduate. That is until Akaashi finally came clean about what _really_ happened. Bokuto had been scared and he had felt broken. Bokuto felt useless as he watched the one person he loved so much, break down in his arms because of things completely out of Akaashi’s control. Bokuto felt absolute hatred.

Hatred stronger than any emotion he had ever felt before. Hatred because the only person who could do this to Akaashi had to be an absolute monster. And more than anything, Bokuto hated the fact that he was feeling the emotion at all.

Bokuto continued to hate. Every time Akaashi woke up screaming and tearing at his own arms, Bokuto hated. Every time Akaashi blamed himself for their lack of intimacy and contact, he hated. Every time Akaashi flinched, he hated. And more than anything Bokuto hated himself.

If he hadn’t been so blind.

If he had just asked more questions.

If he had just gotten Akaashi out of there.

Logically Bokuto knew that this had been bigger than himself. Logically Bokuto knew that there was no guarantee that taking action earlier would have meant getting Akaashi out safely. Logically Bokuto knew the damage had been done long before he had even known his soulmate.

But that didn’t change the fact that Bokuto felt more than he thought. Bokuto was an emotional person. Akaashi told Bokuto all the time that he could barely keep up with the emotions shooting across their bond half the time. Though Akaashi always smiled and said he liked it that way.

Things got better for a while, though the hatred for the monsters who had hurt Akaashi remained. Bokuto thought it would fade eventually. He thought it would go away. And sometimes he could forget about the hatred coursing through his veins. But then it would resurface every time Akaashi cried.

The night that they heard Hinata screaming was a night that Bokuto’s hatred came back with a force he hadn’t thought possible.

_How many of his friends had to be hurt? How many people he cared about?_

Bokuto had gripped tightly onto Akaashi after the setter had fallen asleep.

_Never again._

_Never again._

_Never again._

_If they ever came after them again, Bokuto would kill them._

Bokuto cried that night. But it wasn’t a cry he had experienced before. It was a cry of not being able to do anything. A cry of utter helplessness.

Bokuto thought he had reached the peak of his hatred. Bokuto thought that he had given all he could to the hatred inside of him. Even as it grew steadily as Kuroo told him the reality of their soulmate’s situation. Bokuto still thought there was no further that his hatred could go.

Then Hinata got shot. Hinata got shot by the same woman who Bokuto hated more than anything else in the world. Bokuto had ridden with Kenma over to the park. They had arrived in a time that shouldn’t have been humanly possible. Bokuto had seen blood covering the ground as a boy Bokuto thought of as his little brother lay there lifeless on the ground. Hinata had given everything that night just to make them all free again. Bokuto watched as Akaashi collapsed onto the ground next to Hinata alongside Kageyama, Tendou, Shirabu, Goshiki, Yamaguchi, Yaku, and Kunimi. Akaashi had been shaking, had been crying, and Bokuto had felt utter agony shoot across their bond in utter seconds.

Bokuto had seen red. His instincts kicked in and he scanned the area for the awful people who had done this to them. The people who were trying so hard to rip apart his family. And when he saw them, he didn’t wait for a safer solution. His anger was palpable in the air. He heard running from behind him and knew he had some sort of back up _._ But it that moment he didn’t even care if his was going at this alone. He launched himself at the back of the woman who was running, and it took everything inside Bokuto not to put his hands around her neck and squeeze until she wasn’t moving anymore. It took everything he had not to give into his hatred.

Bokuto’s hands had shook as he held the woman down and disarmed her. It wasn’t until he felt a hand on his shoulder that all thoughts of killing the vile monster under him vanished.

“Bokuto don’t,” He hears Ushijima say,” If you do that there might be other victims who never get justice. She would die taking every secret she has left to the grave with her. Not only that but you can’t leave Akaashi. Don’t leave Akaashi behind.”

Bokuto had felt his entire body relax slightly and he took pleasure in the fact that the woman underneath him still looked afraid for her life.

He spent that night comforting his best friend as they all sat in the hospital. He spent that night listening to Kuroo’s sobs of agony as his best friend’s soulmate slipped in and out of life. Kenma sat clutching onto Yaku sobbing into the libero’s chest, showing more emotion than anyone had ever thought he could show.

In that moment Bokuto almost wishes he had snapped the woman’s neck.

Bokuto kept feeling that hatred as he watched the stoic Tsukishima practically punch a hole through a wall as doctors and surgeons rushed into the ICU, all of them just trying to keep the sunshine alive. The hatred persisted as he watched Kageyama sobbing and holding tightly onto Kunimi and Kindaichi, and even though Bokuto had no connection with either of them he could feel the pain the three of them were feeling. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were trying to get people to eat and drink water. Shirabu was crying into Semi’s shirt as he clutched a practically catatonic Goshiki into his chest. Semi was trying desperately to get Goshiki to snap out of the funk he had fallen into. Yamaguchi tended to Tsukishima’s hand that was now most likely broken. And Lev was standing behind Yaku clenching his fists in anger. Ushijima was doing his best to keep Tendou from injuring himself in the red head’s panic.

In that moment Bokuto felt something worse than hatred. Because how could you ever want to hurt any of these people. People who just wanted to live their lives. People who just wanted to be left alone. How could anyone hurt _children_ like those awful monsters did?

His hands turned into fists on his best friend’s back as Bokuto held Kuroo. Bokuto wanted to kill all of them. He wanted to force them to go through what they had put all of his family through. He wanted them to hurt. He wanted them to bleed.

And that possibly was the scariest feeling to have for Bokuto. It was a feeling that he didn’t want to have. Bokuto just wanted to be happy and to love with every piece of his being. Bokuto just wanted to play volleyball. But Bokuto would be damned if he left his family at a time like this.

Bokuto battled the anger and the hatred in his body throughout the trials. The trials where lawyers were calling the boys liars and delusional despite the fact there was videos, pictures, audio, and money trails.

Bokuto had to be led out of the courtroom after one particular comment. “I am a female,” Kageyama’s mother said at one point,” Do you really think I can force any of these boys to do anything? All of them are athletes, do you really think they are that weak that they can’t fend me off.”

Bokuto knew exactly what she meant by that. She was trying to get her digs in. She was outright calling the boys weak to their faces. Bokuto wanted to kill her. Bokuto wanted to watch her burn in the deepest pits of hell.

“Bro you have to calm down,” Kuroo says to him after he is removed from the courtroom for standing up and screaming at the woman on the stand,” I know its hard as hell right now to not go up there and kill her where she stands, but I promise you we just have to trust that she will get what’s coming to her.”

“I want her to suffer!” Bokuto shouts angrily,” I want her to feel exactly what they felt while she sat in her comfy chair and life built on top of their unhappiness.”

Bokuto watches as Kuroo’s eyes widen,” Koutarou, I don’t disagree. But you have got to trust me. Nothing would be made better if you killed her.”

“Why not!? One less monster the world has on it’s surface!” Bokuto yells back. His heart was straining in his chest.

“And one good fucking person behind bars!” Kuroo shouts back,” If you killed her, you’d be put in jail Koutarou.”

“Maybe I deserve it,” Bokuto says sadly. Suddenly he finds his shoes,” I failed as a soulmate and as a partner when I left him alone like I did. Maybe I would deserve it if they just threw me in jail.”

“Is that really how you feel Koutarou,” The voice sounded sad and broken, but it wasn’t Kuroo.

Bokuto spun around to find that Akaashi was standing there. Akaashi looked tired and worn out. But most of all he looked heartbroken.

“Did they take a recess?” Kuroo asks quietly and Akaashi tears his eyes away from Bokuto’s for a brief moment to nod.

“Yeah,” Akaashi says quietly,” The lawyer was really rude to Hinata when Hinata took the stand. Started yelling about how Hinata has a track record for making allegations since this is his third time in the courtroom. He made Hinata cry. I can’t go see him, but I think he’s with Kenma. Judge called a recess to give the room time to cool off.”

Kuroo nods, “I will leave you two to talk then.”

Kuroo walked quickly away to find Hinata, leaving Bokuto and Akaashi alone. There were the few people walking in and out of the court.

“Do you really feel that way Koutarou?” Akaashi asks stepping towards Bokuto.

“Yeah,” Bokuto says sadly looking down at his feet,” I never once questioned it when you said it all was you cheating on me. Looking back the signs were all there. But I was too self-centered and sorry for myself to notice anything. I… I should have been there for you… Instead I left you alone with those monsters. What if I had done something? What if I could have stopped this?”

“Then they would have run and found a new group of boys to do this with,” Akaashi says quietly,” They would have gone and fucked up some other boy’s life. Just because it happened to me, doesn’t mean I was the only one they would have done it to. I got unlucky, sure; I was born into it. Shouyou, Tobio, Morisuke, Kenjirou, Tadashi, and Akira were as well. But you know Satori and Tsutomu were practically kidnapped into it. That shows that these people really didn’t care how they had to get the merchandise.”

“Don’t.” Bokuto says sadly.

“Don’t what?”

“Call yourself merchandise, please.” Bokuto says,” I love you so much. And I hate that I can’t just take your pain away. I hate that I have to watch you wake up in the middle of the night and cry. I hate that I can’t do anything about it. I hate the amount of anger I feel towards them. I hate that it even has to be a thing. And I hate that I am the one being comforted when I should be comforting you.”

Bokuto hears a small laugh,” It’s actually kind of relieving to be able to comfort you Koutarou,” Akaashi says,” You pulled me out of a hell I never thought I would escape. You saved my life. You lay awake with me night after night as my nightmares wrack my brain. And you talk about the stupidest things that somehow make me smile despite feeling like I am being swallowed up by their hands.”

Akaashi gives a small laugh and steps forward towards Bokuto. Bokuto feels Akaashi’s hands holding his face.

“I never thought I would be rid of that place. But you got rid of it for me. I don’t have to look over my shoulder anymore because I know that you have my back. Just having you here is more than I ever thought I deserved. I don’t need you to make a miracle and take my pain away. I need _you_. Because when I am with you, I am not just a doll. When I am with you, I am loved.”

Tears brim in Bokuto’s eyes and he doesn’t hesitate to kiss Akaashi. Akaashi tenses at first and Bokuto waits for him the either pull away or say no. But Akaashi wraps his arms around Bokuto’s neck and kisses him back. The kiss is hesitant and far from perfect, but it’s full of love. The feeling of all that love somehow pushes all of the anger and hatred to the side.

That feeling of love continues to squash out that hatred completely until there is only happiness that remains.

The first time they had sex came as a surprise to Bokuto. Bokuto really didn’t think much about being intimate, it wasn’t like he didn’t want to, but more that there were other things to focus on. It was two months after they had burned the boxes that Akaashi had come and sat in Bokuto’s lap suddenly. Bokuto had startled and fumbled around with his textbook so he could toss it to the side. Granted it was hard to do when a pretty person like Akaashi was sitting on his lap and kissing him. The kisses were tentative but heated, and for a moment Bokuto had sat there stunned.

Akaashi pulled away and almost seemed self-conscious,” Sorry,” Akaashi says,” I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Bokuto fumbled for his words,” I… uh… no… I liked it… but… I… You’re really hot… And I… uh… might get… you know… and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Bokuto’s face grew red and Akaashi’s face morphed into a smirk. Akaashi had shut Bokuto up with another heated kiss; this time it was more confident. Bokuto felt his hand being guided to Akaashi’s waistband and it was Bokuto who suddenly was panicking.

“Oh… I… uh… fuck… I am gay… I am really really gay.” Bokuto managed to make the words but his face heated up more once they left his mouth. Meanwhile Akaashi was trying hard to hold back laughter as he sat on top of Bokuto’s lap. Bokuto was very obviously into the whole situation.

“I can tell,” Akaashi says smirking again,” I was kind of hoping you would be.”

Bokuto’s eyes shot wide as Akaashi guided Bokuto’s hand to the front of Akaashi’s shorts. “Me too Koutarou.”

This time when Bokuto was kissed he kissed back. Bokuto let Akaashi take the lead. There were obviously moments where Akaashi sat stock still suddenly and Bokuto changed the rhythm quickly guiding things into a different direction. A few times Bokuto tried to stop things completely, only to be cut off by lips on his.

Afterwards as they both lay in bed Akaashi turned to face Bokuto,” Thank you for waiting Koutarou,” Akaashi says quietly,” I know it must have been hard to wait all that time. But the fact that you waited helped me to be sure and the clear my thoughts. The fact that you let me be the one to initiate things was incredible and so helpful.”

There was silence for a moment, and Akaashi almost thought that Bokuto had fallen asleep.

“I always knew that being with you like that would be worth the wait,” Bokuto says quietly,” But honestly I don’t feel like I was waiting for anything. Because even though we weren’t having sex, it doesn’t feel like I am missing out on anything as long as I am with you.”

It was three weeks later that Bokuto became the first one to propose out of his entire friend group.

Bokuto had taken Akaashi to a park, nothing really truly special. But in Bokuto’s mind it wasn’t about the place in any way shape or form. It was about the beautiful person standing in front of him.

“Keiji,” Bokuto says,” Even now you sometimes still call me Bokuto-san, but I really want you to be called Bokuto-san as well. I love you so much. I can’t think of my life without you. Please marry me.”

“Yes,” Akaashi said crying. Arms were thrown around Bokuto’s neck.

“I… uh,” Bokuto scratches the back of his neck,” I hope you like the ring.”

Akaashi looked at the simple band with tears in his eyes. It was beautiful and simple. Their names had been inscribed together in cursive onto the band.

Bokuto wasn’t an angry or vengeful person. He was one that loved with all his heart and soul. And there was no one more worthy of that love than Akaashi Keiji.

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